I've been so FOCUSED

It feels like sometimes I can't find myself amidst all the pain, the heartbreak, and the stress.

But then I remember the wise words of a friend of mine:

Seriously, grow a set, you are better than this.

So true the words, yet so deaf on ears in certain situations. I wish I could turn back time, Yes a Cher reference, to fix everything to find a solution that make everything better.

Everyone was against all of this from the beginning; yet, I found happiness. I found love and that was all that ever mattered. I know better than to worry about what others will think but I still find the time to be worried about what others think.

Does it make me sad: Yes

Does it make me stuck: Yes

Does it make me pathetic: probably

But more than anything it makes me capable of love that I have found and fought for something I believe in. I just wish that you saw this too. I just wish that what you thought was easy wasn't what was feeling right to you. I need to know that all of my efforts haven't been wasted.

I need to know that I am not the only one hurting in this situation. I need to know.

Simple as that...

Always as simple as that...

I love this font by the way. Thought I would throw that out there for all of your to see. 

I am sitting across from one of my best friends trying to figure out what is wrong with her is probably as close to what is wrong with me. I am pretty sure she just looked at me and did the retard hand symbol. Love her like a sister. Sometimes we fight. Sometimes we get along, but we always find a way past things. 

She's very special. As in SPECIAL special.

Good Night Stay Strong and Speak Up

Not Easy Being Cheesy

It has been a long day. I covered a shift for a friend at work and had so much work to do today. I was busy but at the same time I was not very busy.

I missed my grandfather's funeral today because I didn't make the trip to MN. IT's a bit disheartening in the least. I miss him terribly and think about him often.

I have an employee engagement party tomorrow after the store closes and I am really looking forward to it. I hope that there is a really good turnout and that we are able to have a great deal of fun and having a chance to just unwind.

Hope all is well with you.

Remember to Always Dance Out All the Pains

A Quiet Return

It pains me that I have been so neglectful of this blog. It used to be the only outlet I had, the only one I trusted. I find myself recently thinking back to when I was a hardcore blogger and that I would lay my troubles out for everyone to see. Shortly after my life turned an ugly corner, (I am sure somewhere that I blogged about it), I turned to writing just for myself using pen and paper. Stoneage, right?

I lost my grandfather on August 30th, 2013. He was the last one I had and one of the strongest men I had in my life. I am completely heartbroken that he is gone. It is so hard to imagine a world that he is not in. Still, as I write this, I can't always grasp and wrap my head around the fact that I can't pick up the telephone and call him, email him, or otherwise converse with him. He was there for me through thick and thin. He protected me when I needed it and scolded me when I deserved it. He struggled the last 2 months of his life with an insurmountable basket of pains and ill health that his life was qualitiless. There is no greater sadness than to see and hear a strong-willed and fortuitous man resolved to weakness and tears. It broke my heart to hear him talk. He could only focus on the pain and that it made life not worth living. When he passed, I cried for a very long time. I only stopped when I realized I was upset at his passing for selfish reasons. I didn't want him to be dead because that meant that I would never see him again and that wasn't fair. I have no right to be upset. I am though, I find myself in a weakened state, whether from my own health issues or I watched a sad movie, and I again break down into tears. 

I have always wondered what omniscient god would allow a person to suffer so needlessly. Why did my grandfather deserve that? Because he didn't. He did the best he could with what he was given and made the best lemonade at the time. I hope now that if he is in heaven that he is dancing and singing and no longer in pain. I just hope that he saves me a dance for when I get to see him again.

Work has been tough. I do my best but there are some days when the noises, the people, the politics, the customers, and even the music put me so on edge I want nothing more than to crawl out of my skin and leave the store. I find myself so overwhelmed from the cacophonous assault of noise that I am put into an induced panic attack. My health has deteriorated to an undue state. 

I can't concentrate very well anymore, I am constantly nauseated, and i become overwhelmed so easily I can't think straight and have a panic attack. I worry it will start to interfere with my ability to work or go through life. I wish I was deaf. If I were, then I wouldn't have to worry about the noise and I could perform at a much higher rate. 

My depression has returned in full force these past couple of months. I had been doing so well over the last couple of years, until the identity theft and betrayal (which eventually cleared), to the recent where I have felt nothing but a failure for not having finished school and feel nothing but a profound lameness for being single and without love. People say love will come when it may but they are usually the ones who have found theirs and are happy with their lives. I am not one of those people. It seems that every time I find someone special, he rips out my heart and stomps on it because I'm only desirable when it is convenient to him. I want to be loved for who I am. I want to be loved for what I am. Is that too much to ask? Yes, I am overweight; no, I am not ignorant of this. No, I do not find myself attractive and yes, that is a problem. Yes, it is an issue of self-worth based on peer review. No, it is not healthy. How can we judge ourselves in a positive light if others judge us in a negative one. It may be called Self-Esteem but it should be called Outside-Esteem. There really is not another truth than that. We can only love ourselves based on how others view us because we do not see ourselves properly. I cannot detach from myself to view my image and manner to judge myself objectively. True story.

I can only do with what I have. I am blessed beyond measure in some manners and in other's i'm most devoid and proverse. I always try to do my best but even in my own eyes, my best falls short.

Good Night Stay Strong and Speak Up

Summer Stars With a WPM of 70

So, starting the new job next week. I really wish I had started it this week. I am getting more and more nervous and more and more ansy the longer I am without a job. I technically still have one; I'm just not being given any hours. And that Really SUCKS.

I was hired on as an assistant manager and promised 40 hours. I am still an AM but my boss doesn't give me any. So I have 0 hours for the past three weeks. This is getting INSANE. and so not cool.

We'll see about all of that crap.
oh well.

Remember to Always Dance Out All The Pains

When It Rains and You Can't Dance In It

It's been a tough couple of weeks for me.

I have been so sore and even when I change my medication there's nothing I can do. I feel tied to it now. I can't function if its been over 4 hours since my last dose. And just so you know, the medication is to be taken every four hours as needed. I don't take it overnight b/c that's just silly. You can't feel physical pain while dreaming. Well, reality pain anyway.

I hate that this is what my life is leading to. I spend three years on the same medication and it doesn't work. one that i took every 12 hours. (it never really worked but if i took it regularly it would build up in my system and offer at least some relief) I wish there was something else I could do. And I know I have talked about my problems alot, but I sure as hell don't get any response b/c no one reads my blog, but that's fine. I like having my vent even if I don't get attention b/c that's not what I'm after. This is just like a journal without the need to haul one around with me.

On top of my disks in my back, i now suffer from acid intolerance and every medication i try just makes me sick to my stomach. I try to enjoy the normal things in life but I can't because my stomach cant handle it. Does this seem fair? I'm sure my pains are just from all of the medicine that I've been on and I could tough through it most days. It is just that some days are really, really bad.

On top of all of that. I have no food in this house... or well I do but it so scanty that there's not even a semi-delectable way to combine anything i have. I have hamburger patties, pre-made and super frozen, blegh. Really nasty ass soup from Great Value that I need to just chuck, bc unless I put oodles of salt in it i don't think i'll be eating it and i don't need that much salt in my diet. I also have mashed potatoes, cream of mushroom soup and green beens, which are yummy but if i made a good meal, i'd be foodless. I also have icing, nasty icing... it wasn't very tasty and i should have stuck to vanilla when i decided to bake that cake...

Which reminds me.... note to self: throw out icing= its nasty. I also have two boxes of Mac N Cheese. it's delicious but one can only eat it so many days in a row when you have to call it quits with it.

Oh, well, that ends my rant for the night. Thanks for reading if you did. And if i'm just talking to myself. Goodnight self!

Remember to Always Dance Out All The Pains

Dancing

Watching Dancing with the Stars,

I'm surprised by some of the dances... and dancers...

and judges... wowness way to harsh it out to some of the contestants, so let me tell you Bruno it is quite alright for you to calm down a twitch and stop being so mean to the contestants because there is a way to give an opinion rather than being a jackhole. Sorry, you can point out all you want but being mean is unneccessary....

Shelter Cat, Pizza, and Television

Today has been a long day...

Went with a housemate to look at cats at the shelter... I know it sounds like we're crazy cat people or that we need lives... but they are just so adorable and all animals need good loving homes.

Saw one I absolutely loved. Ann adorable long haired mix. She was so sweet. at 5 years old she def needed a home. Anyway rules stated you had to be 21 to fill out the paper work to adopt an animal... I understand its so that they keep youngin' from adopting animals that they can't take care of but come on!!! I think there should be a leeway in that clause like +-30 days or something.

Anyway.... ugh! oh well... very sleepy,

Remember to always Dance Out All The Pains.