It has been a long day. I covered a shift for a friend at work and had so much work to do today. I was busy but at the same time I was not very busy.
I missed my grandfather's funeral today because I didn't make the trip to MN. IT's a bit disheartening in the least. I miss him terribly and think about him often.
I have an employee engagement party tomorrow after the store closes and I am really looking forward to it. I hope that there is a really good turnout and that we are able to have a great deal of fun and having a chance to just unwind.
Hope all is well with you.
Remember to Always Dance Out All the Pains
A Little Bit About Me
- Ashley
- Blog-ger: one who writes in a public forum. That's about it as far as I am concerned. I write because I like to.
Saturday, September 14, 2013
Friday, September 13, 2013
A Quiet Return
It pains me that I have been so neglectful of this blog. It used to be the only outlet I had, the only one I trusted. I find myself recently thinking back to when I was a hardcore blogger and that I would lay my troubles out for everyone to see. Shortly after my life turned an ugly corner, (I am sure somewhere that I blogged about it), I turned to writing just for myself using pen and paper. Stoneage, right?
I lost my grandfather on August 30th, 2013. He was the last one I had and one of the strongest men I had in my life. I am completely heartbroken that he is gone. It is so hard to imagine a world that he is not in. Still, as I write this, I can't always grasp and wrap my head around the fact that I can't pick up the telephone and call him, email him, or otherwise converse with him. He was there for me through thick and thin. He protected me when I needed it and scolded me when I deserved it. He struggled the last 2 months of his life with an insurmountable basket of pains and ill health that his life was qualitiless. There is no greater sadness than to see and hear a strong-willed and fortuitous man resolved to weakness and tears. It broke my heart to hear him talk. He could only focus on the pain and that it made life not worth living. When he passed, I cried for a very long time. I only stopped when I realized I was upset at his passing for selfish reasons. I didn't want him to be dead because that meant that I would never see him again and that wasn't fair. I have no right to be upset. I am though, I find myself in a weakened state, whether from my own health issues or I watched a sad movie, and I again break down into tears.
I have always wondered what omniscient god would allow a person to suffer so needlessly. Why did my grandfather deserve that? Because he didn't. He did the best he could with what he was given and made the best lemonade at the time. I hope now that if he is in heaven that he is dancing and singing and no longer in pain. I just hope that he saves me a dance for when I get to see him again.
Work has been tough. I do my best but there are some days when the noises, the people, the politics, the customers, and even the music put me so on edge I want nothing more than to crawl out of my skin and leave the store. I find myself so overwhelmed from the cacophonous assault of noise that I am put into an induced panic attack. My health has deteriorated to an undue state.
I can't concentrate very well anymore, I am constantly nauseated, and i become overwhelmed so easily I can't think straight and have a panic attack. I worry it will start to interfere with my ability to work or go through life. I wish I was deaf. If I were, then I wouldn't have to worry about the noise and I could perform at a much higher rate.
My depression has returned in full force these past couple of months. I had been doing so well over the last couple of years, until the identity theft and betrayal (which eventually cleared), to the recent where I have felt nothing but a failure for not having finished school and feel nothing but a profound lameness for being single and without love. People say love will come when it may but they are usually the ones who have found theirs and are happy with their lives. I am not one of those people. It seems that every time I find someone special, he rips out my heart and stomps on it because I'm only desirable when it is convenient to him. I want to be loved for who I am. I want to be loved for what I am. Is that too much to ask? Yes, I am overweight; no, I am not ignorant of this. No, I do not find myself attractive and yes, that is a problem. Yes, it is an issue of self-worth based on peer review. No, it is not healthy. How can we judge ourselves in a positive light if others judge us in a negative one. It may be called Self-Esteem but it should be called Outside-Esteem. There really is not another truth than that. We can only love ourselves based on how others view us because we do not see ourselves properly. I cannot detach from myself to view my image and manner to judge myself objectively. True story.
I can only do with what I have. I am blessed beyond measure in some manners and in other's i'm most devoid and proverse. I always try to do my best but even in my own eyes, my best falls short.
Good Night Stay Strong and Speak Up
I lost my grandfather on August 30th, 2013. He was the last one I had and one of the strongest men I had in my life. I am completely heartbroken that he is gone. It is so hard to imagine a world that he is not in. Still, as I write this, I can't always grasp and wrap my head around the fact that I can't pick up the telephone and call him, email him, or otherwise converse with him. He was there for me through thick and thin. He protected me when I needed it and scolded me when I deserved it. He struggled the last 2 months of his life with an insurmountable basket of pains and ill health that his life was qualitiless. There is no greater sadness than to see and hear a strong-willed and fortuitous man resolved to weakness and tears. It broke my heart to hear him talk. He could only focus on the pain and that it made life not worth living. When he passed, I cried for a very long time. I only stopped when I realized I was upset at his passing for selfish reasons. I didn't want him to be dead because that meant that I would never see him again and that wasn't fair. I have no right to be upset. I am though, I find myself in a weakened state, whether from my own health issues or I watched a sad movie, and I again break down into tears.
I have always wondered what omniscient god would allow a person to suffer so needlessly. Why did my grandfather deserve that? Because he didn't. He did the best he could with what he was given and made the best lemonade at the time. I hope now that if he is in heaven that he is dancing and singing and no longer in pain. I just hope that he saves me a dance for when I get to see him again.
Work has been tough. I do my best but there are some days when the noises, the people, the politics, the customers, and even the music put me so on edge I want nothing more than to crawl out of my skin and leave the store. I find myself so overwhelmed from the cacophonous assault of noise that I am put into an induced panic attack. My health has deteriorated to an undue state.
I can't concentrate very well anymore, I am constantly nauseated, and i become overwhelmed so easily I can't think straight and have a panic attack. I worry it will start to interfere with my ability to work or go through life. I wish I was deaf. If I were, then I wouldn't have to worry about the noise and I could perform at a much higher rate.
My depression has returned in full force these past couple of months. I had been doing so well over the last couple of years, until the identity theft and betrayal (which eventually cleared), to the recent where I have felt nothing but a failure for not having finished school and feel nothing but a profound lameness for being single and without love. People say love will come when it may but they are usually the ones who have found theirs and are happy with their lives. I am not one of those people. It seems that every time I find someone special, he rips out my heart and stomps on it because I'm only desirable when it is convenient to him. I want to be loved for who I am. I want to be loved for what I am. Is that too much to ask? Yes, I am overweight; no, I am not ignorant of this. No, I do not find myself attractive and yes, that is a problem. Yes, it is an issue of self-worth based on peer review. No, it is not healthy. How can we judge ourselves in a positive light if others judge us in a negative one. It may be called Self-Esteem but it should be called Outside-Esteem. There really is not another truth than that. We can only love ourselves based on how others view us because we do not see ourselves properly. I cannot detach from myself to view my image and manner to judge myself objectively. True story.
I can only do with what I have. I am blessed beyond measure in some manners and in other's i'm most devoid and proverse. I always try to do my best but even in my own eyes, my best falls short.
Good Night Stay Strong and Speak Up
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