Why the Sleep Pattern?

I find that when I go through something that causes my anxiety to raise to a very high proportion. Because of that, I got so worn out that I managed to sleep from about 8pm on friday to 5pm saturday. It's outrageous how sometimes my body has a habit of getting back at me since I've such in mental issues. I have a writer's block. I heart my sleep but I heart a job even more. I really hope that I mamage to get this job. I am so tired of being unemployed. I really need a job. I'm going nuts.

I Never Sleep During Slumber

I always find myself up when I really should be sleeping. And if my depression kicks in, I'm bipolar, I end up sleeping for two days and then not being able to sleep properly for a week. 

Sometimes I go through this cycle and it lasts more than a few days. 

I try my best to understand it but, eh, I figure I will get it straightened if I could just get a job.

I have been unemployed for 3 weeks now and I am losing my mind. I am not at all happy that I am unemployed and I actually have been trying to get a job. So, today I'm going to go to an employment agency to get a job. If I can't find success this time, then I will try someone else to try and help me.

Hopefully, they can. I hate that I have had so much slow luck on this. I really want a job. I love to work. It's not just about the money, although that is nice since I have bills to pay and whatnot, but I like to work. I like to keep my hands busy. 

Idle hands make for Idle minds.

And right now my mind is way too idle. I'm losing my ever-loving mind. I hate it. absolutely. I wish I was working. I really, really do.

Cristae of the Powerhouse

It's nothing if not an efficient means to the ends. There are far greater things that what we go through on a daily basis. I find myself sometimes wondering why I get out of bed in the morning. Then, I remember, I am not the only one who has a bad time of it. I am not the only person on the planet dealing with severe disc issues coupled by lupus, pcos, rheumatoid arthritis, and the like. I find that I need to take a reassurance of my own measures to reevaluate my idea of what is truly the issue that I deal with.

Is it the problems that I have with my chronic issues or is it the problems that I have mentally dealing with the individualized issues. I try my hardest to understand all that I have to go through and sometimes just getting out of bed in the morning makes me want to high-five myself. 

Existentially of course, I find myself in the midst of dealing with a far greater issue of mentally being capable. Being capable of many different things. I try very hard to understand the many issues that I am going through but even more so to understand the issues that other people go through and to understand that I am not the only one dealing with the issues that make life hard to adjust to or otherwise deal with in the plainest of instances.

I've spent a great amount of time trying to get my life all figured out and trying to understand what it is that I need to figure out. I need a job and I need to ace this class. I also need to move out and be on my own since I am almost 25. Seriously? This is getting ridiculous. VERY RIDICULOUS. I am more than that of course. I need to get my shit together.

Manipulation of Circadian Rythmns

There's nothing more to worry about than the unintentional disruption of one's normal sleeping patterns. I have unintentionally messed up, quite royally, my sleeping patterns. I have, however; managed to get quite a bit of my homework done instead of sleeping but it has royally fucked up just about anything else. I hate that I haven't been as diligent with applications or any of the like. I should be filling out multitudes of applications considering that this last interview hasn't seemed to go so well. 

I really want the job as the pharmacy technician but i'm really concerned that she's going to cut me from her list because of the one month i spent at Papa Johns. She's concerned that I wont work out because one of the ladies is married to the owner of the pizza joint. I understand her concern but I know for a fact that it is not going to be a problem. I don't like to dwell on the bad that I have dealt with in my life or in my past history. I love to work. That is all that I want to do. 

If I could work again, I would be very, very happy. I don't like to be stagnant. I would rather have to do my homework during the night to catch up than get so far ahead with my notes that I manage to royally fuck myself ahead of the weeks that it is due and manage to ruin and overload my brain with information. 

I want to work.

Plain and simple.

I hope that I can convince her as much. I really hope that I can convince her of as much. I would love to get this job. I really do.

Remember to Dance Out all the Pains.

I've been so FOCUSED

It feels like sometimes I can't find myself amidst all the pain, the heartbreak, and the stress.

But then I remember the wise words of a friend of mine:

Seriously, grow a set, you are better than this.

So true the words, yet so deaf on ears in certain situations. I wish I could turn back time, Yes a Cher reference, to fix everything to find a solution that make everything better.

Everyone was against all of this from the beginning; yet, I found happiness. I found love and that was all that ever mattered. I know better than to worry about what others will think but I still find the time to be worried about what others think.

Does it make me sad: Yes

Does it make me stuck: Yes

Does it make me pathetic: probably

But more than anything it makes me capable of love that I have found and fought for something I believe in. I just wish that you saw this too. I just wish that what you thought was easy wasn't what was feeling right to you. I need to know that all of my efforts haven't been wasted.

I need to know that I am not the only one hurting in this situation. I need to know.

Simple as that...

Always as simple as that...

I love this font by the way. Thought I would throw that out there for all of your to see. 

I am sitting across from one of my best friends trying to figure out what is wrong with her is probably as close to what is wrong with me. I am pretty sure she just looked at me and did the retard hand symbol. Love her like a sister. Sometimes we fight. Sometimes we get along, but we always find a way past things. 

She's very special. As in SPECIAL special.

Good Night Stay Strong and Speak Up

Not Easy Being Cheesy

It has been a long day. I covered a shift for a friend at work and had so much work to do today. I was busy but at the same time I was not very busy.

I missed my grandfather's funeral today because I didn't make the trip to MN. IT's a bit disheartening in the least. I miss him terribly and think about him often.

I have an employee engagement party tomorrow after the store closes and I am really looking forward to it. I hope that there is a really good turnout and that we are able to have a great deal of fun and having a chance to just unwind.

Hope all is well with you.

Remember to Always Dance Out All the Pains

A Quiet Return

It pains me that I have been so neglectful of this blog. It used to be the only outlet I had, the only one I trusted. I find myself recently thinking back to when I was a hardcore blogger and that I would lay my troubles out for everyone to see. Shortly after my life turned an ugly corner, (I am sure somewhere that I blogged about it), I turned to writing just for myself using pen and paper. Stoneage, right?

I lost my grandfather on August 30th, 2013. He was the last one I had and one of the strongest men I had in my life. I am completely heartbroken that he is gone. It is so hard to imagine a world that he is not in. Still, as I write this, I can't always grasp and wrap my head around the fact that I can't pick up the telephone and call him, email him, or otherwise converse with him. He was there for me through thick and thin. He protected me when I needed it and scolded me when I deserved it. He struggled the last 2 months of his life with an insurmountable basket of pains and ill health that his life was qualitiless. There is no greater sadness than to see and hear a strong-willed and fortuitous man resolved to weakness and tears. It broke my heart to hear him talk. He could only focus on the pain and that it made life not worth living. When he passed, I cried for a very long time. I only stopped when I realized I was upset at his passing for selfish reasons. I didn't want him to be dead because that meant that I would never see him again and that wasn't fair. I have no right to be upset. I am though, I find myself in a weakened state, whether from my own health issues or I watched a sad movie, and I again break down into tears. 

I have always wondered what omniscient god would allow a person to suffer so needlessly. Why did my grandfather deserve that? Because he didn't. He did the best he could with what he was given and made the best lemonade at the time. I hope now that if he is in heaven that he is dancing and singing and no longer in pain. I just hope that he saves me a dance for when I get to see him again.

Work has been tough. I do my best but there are some days when the noises, the people, the politics, the customers, and even the music put me so on edge I want nothing more than to crawl out of my skin and leave the store. I find myself so overwhelmed from the cacophonous assault of noise that I am put into an induced panic attack. My health has deteriorated to an undue state. 

I can't concentrate very well anymore, I am constantly nauseated, and i become overwhelmed so easily I can't think straight and have a panic attack. I worry it will start to interfere with my ability to work or go through life. I wish I was deaf. If I were, then I wouldn't have to worry about the noise and I could perform at a much higher rate. 

My depression has returned in full force these past couple of months. I had been doing so well over the last couple of years, until the identity theft and betrayal (which eventually cleared), to the recent where I have felt nothing but a failure for not having finished school and feel nothing but a profound lameness for being single and without love. People say love will come when it may but they are usually the ones who have found theirs and are happy with their lives. I am not one of those people. It seems that every time I find someone special, he rips out my heart and stomps on it because I'm only desirable when it is convenient to him. I want to be loved for who I am. I want to be loved for what I am. Is that too much to ask? Yes, I am overweight; no, I am not ignorant of this. No, I do not find myself attractive and yes, that is a problem. Yes, it is an issue of self-worth based on peer review. No, it is not healthy. How can we judge ourselves in a positive light if others judge us in a negative one. It may be called Self-Esteem but it should be called Outside-Esteem. There really is not another truth than that. We can only love ourselves based on how others view us because we do not see ourselves properly. I cannot detach from myself to view my image and manner to judge myself objectively. True story.

I can only do with what I have. I am blessed beyond measure in some manners and in other's i'm most devoid and proverse. I always try to do my best but even in my own eyes, my best falls short.

Good Night Stay Strong and Speak Up